September 26, 1999: Having It All and The One Who Got Away.

Dear Sparky,

Against my better judgement I watched the season premiere of "Felicity", I had seen every episode of season one because it fell after Buffy so it just happened to be something that I watched. At the end of season one Felicity was faced with the choice: Ben or Noel.

Well, excuse me for breaking the suspense but she chose Ben and I must've screamed at the TV for a full minute when I learned that. Then she proceeded to talk about how she wanted to be friends with Noel, blah blah blah and that she wasn't prepared for the ramifications of the choice. Well, that's too bad but if she thinks Noel will ever forgive her, she's stupid.

And that got me thinking about how preoccupied people are with "having it all". I know a lot of people who never make any choices in life because they are so afraid of letting something get away. And Felicity even said that at one point in the episode--that she chose Ben because she was afraid that someday she'd look back on that decision and regret letting him get away.

But what if that "someday" never comes? What if that "someday" we all are waiting for, the same "someday" we all plan our lives around--what if that day never comes? And we've done all of this planning, all of this figuring out the "what-if's" and it doesn't make any difference?

Why are so many of the kids in my generation so afraid of being truly happy? I know why Felicity didn't choose Noel--because Noel adored her, would've done anything to make her happy and that scared her to death. I don't know how much I've talked about Travis in these letters but that was always his excuse for not being with me--I would make him happy.

As if happiness was something he didn't deserve or, even worse, something he could lose in a split second. So instead of being happy we put ourselves through abusive relationships because we've conditioned ourselves into thinking it's what we "deserve".

I just don't understand it. We plan every move we make around some fictional "someday", which is essentially a day that will never come. Even the impulsive ones plan their moves--they are impulsive because they don't want to look back on their lives "someday" and see all of the choices they should've made, and somehow they think making irrational choices will combat that feeling.

*Katie changes pace abruptly*

I don't know what changed my mood so dramatically, it was probably mentioning Trav but right now I'm listening to Jewel's "Foolish Games" (I listen to her album when I write sometimes because I need noise but I don't need loud or obnoxious noise). And it reminds me so much of that time in my life. But nothing reminds me of those times more than Duncan Sheik's "Barely Breathing". That song came out right at the precipice of the Travis/Katie Saga and it fit it like a glove.

Especially the lyrics: "You really had me going, wishing on a star / But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far / I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn" Trav was always confused, conflicted with the thought of who he should choose--which, I suppose, is why the Felicity thing bothers me so much, I'm the one that got away, and that hurts.

And what hurts most is that I didn't make the decision--someone else made it for me. He decided whether he wanted me or not and I had no say in the matter, regardless of the fact that I adored him and would have done anything for him, in the end he wanted the girl who would commit suicide if he left her. To him, that speaks of devotion. Gee, it's too bad that I'm emotionally stable and sane...

But I'm not bitter. At least, not much anymore. It was a long long time ago. But the scars are still there and I still think about him and wonder what he's doing, if he ever thinks about the one that got away...

I read in a book once that regret is the most useless emotion and that struck a chord in me, mostly because I was ten at the time and that was the closest I ever got to "profound thoughts" but it left a deep impression on me. Whenever I'm plagued by these thoughts and all of the "what-if's" run around my mind, I repeat that quote to myself over and over. I shouldn't regret anything--the things I have done and those I did not do--I haven't made a lot of great choices but in the end, things seem to be working out.

Love you lots,

Katie.