Rocking On.
Lots of news to record, dear reader. I know I'm not exactly back in the swing of things with the diary yet but that's because life keeps happening and getting in the way.Thursday - Monday. January 1-5, 1999.First of all, as I mentioned above, the producers of The Last Session have now set a date where I will get to play Gideon again. This will be the first time I will have done this since the workshop two years ago at the Zephyr. Believe me, there have been a lot of changes since then.
But the chance to play the role with Maisey, Amy, Joey and P.M. is too delicious to contemplate. It will be a challenge, of course. The show has changed a lot and it has become a lot more specific than it was when we were making it up as we went along -- and I'm scared to death at the prospect -- but this is something I've wanted for a very long time and they are granting me my wish.
On the health front, I'm much stronger than I was after my last tour, but we're still struggling with some things. Dr. Peter added a lipid reducer to my regimen. We think the drugs are messing up my pancreas or something but my cholesterol is 360.
"I don't want to be treating you for HIV disease and have you die of a heart attack," he said. I don't want that either now that I think of it.
The real joy for me in all this, though, is the email I'm getting both personally and on the TLS fan list, which may be the most loving and accepting list I've ever been on. Whether I'm conversing with people who are also struggling with faith, their sexuality, their families or their lives just in general, it's an honor to be there and to make a difference.
For instance, last week -- Sunday before last -- Ghost finally got to go see TLS. Though he's still on a respirator and in a lot of pain due to some fused discs, he finally allowed me to pick him up and bring him to the Tiffany Theatre.
When he got there, the Sessionauts had prepared a big WELCOME GHOST sign with balloons and stuff. We posed for a picture and I sat next to him during the show.
Dickie has also been stuggling with his health. I know it might seem to some of you that these are characters from a novel, I've been talking about them so much, but they are real flesh and blood human beings. Hey, I am too, ya know!
The production itself it still in the audience-building stage, by the way. That means there are still discount tickets, but people should come now rather than wait because every weekend, we have multiple sold out nights.
I've been doing my duty down at the office (every once in awhile) calling churches and synagogues and inviting them to come see the show. In fact, as a result of that I'm going to be singing at the Metropolitan Community Church in Glendale on the 17th. Just a couple of songs.
Anyway, I have a lot of stuff to do today. First a meeting and then a rehearsal down at the theatre with the new Gideon understudy.
It's fun being there, by the way, because just next door -- the Tiffany has two stages -- the Rocky Horror Show is in rehearsal with David Arquette as Rocky. We're gonna see it next Wednesday in an invited performance. What synergy! Us in one theatre and Rocky in the other. Talk about an interesting mix of audiences!
Oh, and no we still don't have a record deal yet to record this L.A. cast so any of you record execs, now is the time to make the deal. The longer you wait, the more expensive I'm gonna get. I think it would be a shame if we did not get these guys down on tape. They are magnificent.
Embarassing Steve.
My most embarassing moment ever in my lifetime happened on New Years Eve. It was a well-executed plan that made radical use of my vanity (which is in abundant supply).Saturday-Monday, January 23-25, 1999.Last night, Katie, Tina, Lyndsey and Mark Bakalor were assigned to take me out to dinner New Years Eve during the show. Michael Alden had said tome they were doing this because he wanted me to be able to "make an entrance" for the midnight concert after the show. So the five of us went to a little Italian restaurant near the theatre and had dinner.
What they didn't tell me was that they were actually assigned to just keep me away from the theatre so that I wouldn't see that they had brought in a surprise. And how do they keep me occupied after we've finished our meal?
Easy. Who do we know with the biggest ego on the planet? (Besides Jim?) They just started asking me questions and getting me to talk, of course. For an hour or more they asked me questions about the songs, my life, the original Vicki, the theology in the show, what I think of God, etc. etc. etc and they all sat there pretending to be wanting to hear all this junk.
And all the while it was just a TRICK!!!
All week I had been whining and complaining because while Jimmy and Michael wanted the midnight concert to be produced with intros and celebs, I wanted to just be left alone to sing and do it my own way. But finally Jimmy said, "Look, Michael Alden has worked really hard on this and he's the producer so just be nice and go along." I relented.
We got back to the theatre just as it was letting out and what I didn't know was that they were diverting me from seeing the surprise guest. Mr. Guest told me later that he kept seeing me and turning the other way so I wouldn't see him. (Aunt Michael had also told the audience and enlisted them to shield Mr. Guest from me. So everyone was in on the joke except me of course).
Finally, it was time for the show. I was backstage in the dressing room and I could kinda see part of the audience through a reflection in the glass and it looked like nobody stayed. The seats were empty where I was looking and I thought, Okay just friends and family are here. That's cool.
But when Michael Alden introduced me, I walked out onto the stage and the place was jam packed and they were on their feet giving me an incredible standing ovation. There was a whole group of the Sessionauts on the floor just in front of the stage so it really looked amazing from my point of view.
I started with a song that was cut from TLS, a number called "The Faces in the Music." It got great laughs so that made me happy. Then I introduced John Bettis who graciously told the audience, "He always had it in him, it just took an extraordinary circumstance to bring it out." He also said when I first played the songs for him he was sitting there thinking, "How can I get in on this?" (And I had gone there trying to think of a way to get him involved!)
Then I sang "When You Care." After that "The Group," including the "Jamie was a rocker" verse on the Bonus Round album.
Then I introduced Jimmy who told me to tell the story of how "Connected" got written. At first, I wasn't following him and I told about the actually sitting at the piano story but he said, "No. Tell the other story." And I knew he meant the Potsie Story (which is at http://www.bonusround.com/songs/connected.html).
Just as I cracked the punchline, "I decided to live that day because I didn't want the last celebrity I ever saw in my life to be Potsie," Jimmy gestures over to the right and this handsome man with dark hair sprinkled with gray steps up to the piano.
It was Anson Williams -- the real Potsie. They tell me I stood there dumbstruck. I don't know what I felt. He has the most kind face I've ever seen on a person. A gentle smile and kind eyes. He just took me in his arms.
Julie wrote to the TLS maillist:
Steve sang "When You care," "Connected," "The Group," and "A Simple Faith." Before each song, he explained how he was inspired to write each one. So he introduced John Bettis who co-wrote, "When you care," and he explained about "Connected," and how he was at Santa Monica Hospital when Anson Williams cameup to him and asked him what was wrong with him. Steve shouted at him "I HAVE AIDS"!!!!!!!!Karen wrote:At that point in the show Anson Williams gets up from his seat in the audience and surprises Steve!!!! It was a definite tissue moment! We had been hiding Anson from Steve all night! So in order to distract him, Katie, Tina, Lindsey, and Mark takes him to dinner during the show, and brings him back just as the show ends! It was just too funny! Steve knew there was something going on but he just didn't know exactly what it was!
the concert was amazing - i sat on the floor right in front of steve with amber, MARK, tina, and mandy's friend erin, and mandy, katie, bob, amy, and amy's husband david were right behind us in the front row. it was so great to see steve up there on the TLS stage...and the anson williams moment was just incredible. i've NEVER seen steve speechless.I honestly had NO IDEA this was happening. To say I was surprised and elated and shocked is an understatement. I just got up and put my arms around his neck and hugged him. I think I whispered in his ear, "Thank you. Thank you."Really. I was breathless and wordless and stunned. He told the story of having seen me there and that he had heard I was doing well. He was amazed by the show.
(Jimmy said Anson's wife told him that she remembered that night. Anson said he had met an AIDS patient in the emergency room. He told her, "I knew his time wasn't up. I could see it in his eyes.")
It was an incredible moment to say the very least.Then I brought up Bobby Cox and together we did "Connected" except I didn't play piano. It was totally acoustic guitar and voice. (okay I added just a little string pad at the very end). In fact, I intro'd it by saying,"I know we gussy all these songs up for theatre but they're really just folk songs."
It was really beautiful, the sound of that guitar. Then I introduced "A Simple Faith" by saying that in my experience it doesn't matter what you believe about God, it'll never be enough for some people. You will always be criticized no matter what you believe. Everyone in the room seemed to understand that I was singing truth.
"cuz there'll be always something judging youAfter the show, John Bettis came up to me and said, "Is that from the new show? You need to be writing something new so when can we sit down for you to tell me all about it?"
Always somebody testing you
Doubting you
Questioning you"Yikes. I felt like the principal was after me about my homework. But I guess he's right. Time to pick a new project and stick with it.
Anson then signed the celebrity wall on the set and we took photos and all went home knowing that last night was a tender, loving, real and thrilling way to bring in a new year.
FRIENDS WOULD COME AROUND:
Lots of internet friends came in this past weekend, too. Martha, Gary, Barefoot Ron, Father Bill, Maura, Katie -- who have I forgotten? Mark Bakalor. Ah, yes little Mark.Mark took a picture shot by Marie-Reine and played with it a little:
There's more but I'll have to save it for tomorrow.
Churches, Loggins & Garlands!
Saturday was a glorious day at the theatre. We played to a full house on Saturday afternoon and a sold out house that night. (We're still in the audience building stage since our whole promotional campaign is still based mostly on word of mouth.)KAREN:On Sunday, Lori picked me up at 8:30 for our drive to Laguna where I was a featured guest at the Neighborhood Congregational Church. I did my usual thing, singing the songs, talking about the miracle of still being alive and finishing with "A Simple Faith."
The congregation was very quiet except for applause and when I asked if anyone had questions, nobody really did. So I wasn't sure if I was boring them or scaring them.
But the moment I finished, the entire house jumped to its feet and pounded out a thunderous ovation that just went on and on. It was really beautiful.
That night, the excitement was that Kenny Loggins was coming to see the show to the evening show. He and his wife hadn't gotten there by curtain so Jimmy and I left -- tired after long week. But Kenny had gotten the start time wrong and they actually drove all the way from Santa Barbara to be there. They walked in during "Going It Alone" and Aunt Michael said they loved the second act and plan on coming back. (Then he signed the celebrity wall.)
Monday was the big day of the Garland Awards. Karen and Lori posted the first reviews of that night on the TLS Maillist. Here's what they posted.
by 7:00 we got back to the theatre where we found everyone in the lobby milling around. the cast had changed into their stage outfits and they all looked fabulous! amy looked hot - she was wearing this black crushed velvet bell-bottomed catsuit. wow! all those hours at the gym are really paying off! and maisey keeps on getting thinner and thinner, she looked fabulous as well.LORI:so the lights in the lobby dimmed a couple of times to signal that everyone should be getting to their seats. the cast walked out onstage at about 7:40 (these things never start on time), and without waiting for everyone to be seated, they sang the opening lines of "preacher": "the preacher stood in front of the church he built and he said i'm leaving..." (loud screams and applause - i think they caught everyone's attention...ya think??) "...i love you all but i barely finished high school..." (pause) the editor of backstage west (ron) introduced them, "ladies and gentlemen, the cast of the last session." loud applause again... and they started singing the opening lines again and continued with the rest of the song.
they were a HUGE hit, everyone loved them! they sounded fabulous...the sound was great in the geffen playhouse.
ok, so let me tell you how fantastic tonight was.As Lori said it was a long night with lots of awards and lots of speeches. I had been sitting there in my seat trying to think of something to say, who to thank, etc. but after Michael and the others all thanked everyone who could be thanked, I felt there was little left to say, so remembering what I said to Rosie, I just lifted my award and said, "I was supposed to die but I wrote a musical instead!"it freakin' rocked!
the show was l o n g, but really really just too spectacular for words. it was great to be in the same room as all these amazing theatre people, everyone was so happy to be there, and really emphasizing the emergence of la as a real theatre town. new york can kiss our ass!
so, the stars were out in force. carol burnett presented, as did susan sullivan, and sharon lawrence. debbie allen won an award (love her! fame! i wanna live forever....oh, sorry about that), charlayne woodard, harriet harris and lisagay hamilton.
anyway, we FINALLY get to the truckload of awards for the last session and it was amazing! everyone was up on stage, and michael worked the magic as only michael can. it was too incredible for words. we won for production, set design, score, direction, ensemble, and featured actor (joey). joey, of course, broke down while he was talking, as did michael when he introduced jimmy and steve, and jimmy when he was talking about steve. he said that they had always been compared to rent, but we were way luckier in that our composer lived. we cried. everyone cried.
and this is the really cool part, michael thanked US!!! oh my god!!! he started talking about a "special group of ladies" and were were like "cool" then he said "lori machens and her staff, karen tiongson and julie lui." OH MY GOD!! this made my millenium. you have no idea how much this meant to us. we love doing this, and to be acknowledged as a part of it in such a special way, it makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it now. wow. it was an amazing night.
then, in the midst of all this sentiment, jimmy introduces steve who shouts, "i was supposed to die, but i wrote a musical instead!" as he strode off the stage. it was a great moment, very steve. loved it! wow.
so, there was a reception afterwards, bad wine and weird cheese, but delightful nonetheless. we schmoozed, delighted in our victories, and dragged our tired asses home.
(The best part was when I looked at the statue, they had misspelled my name -- "Stephen Schalchlin." I told the editor of Backstage West about it but said to just leave it that way. First time anyone misspelled my FIRST name!!!!!)
I've added a new section to bonusround.com patient pages. "Katie's Letters to Sparky." Katie is a teenager who has lived with a very debilitating condition for many years. She is also the spokesperson for our Kids For Kids program at The Last Session. And if you haven't read Dickie's HIV Theory, do it now. It's very easy to read and full of great information.
Just in! LAST SESSION NOMINATED FOR BEST MUSICAL BY the GLAAD AWARDS. More info later!
Los Angeles
The Los Angeles production information is up on "The Last Session" site.Tuesday - Wednesday. January 12-13, 1999.Gift certificates are available for $30.00 per ticket for any show in January just in case you haven't finished shopping for the holidays. You can give the certificate and all the recipient has to do is call for reservations
*Note to out-of towners...the Tiffany is now selling tickets through the 14th of February. If you are planning a trip after that but before February 6th, you can email our office and we will take a reservation so that you can plan your trip - bobalewmus@aol.com
Admitting Guilt/Learning A Lesson.
I committed an egregious sin this past weekend during a sound check down at the theatre and it has turned into one gigantic, painful learning experience. The sin was that I yelled at an actor. (Don't worry. It's all better now.)Thursday-Friday. January 14-15, 1999.Because there are other people involved in this, I'm going to keep it as personal and specific to me as possible and I'm going to avoid naming names.
I didn't realize how serious my infraction was, really, until the next day when I cautiously approached Jimmy, complaining about feeling disrespected -- and that's when he said this to me:
"You were standing there yelling. Everyone could hear you. You upset Alice, the stage manager, all the other actors (who were in their dressing rooms), and everyone else. If it had been anyone else, any other composer, you would have been barred from the theatre after what you did yesterday."He went on to say that while he loves Steve the boyfriend, he hates Steve the Composer. "You're two different people! I don't mind doing things with you as my life partner, but when you start saying, 'Let's write something new together, I just want to run screaming from the room.'"Later on, someone connected to the show who was witness to the incident said I was the live equivalent of Loud Steve, the internet loudmouth persona..
Although this was hard news to take, it was a relief to have the truth out in the open so I could deal with it. Was I really so out of touch with the way I appeared to others? Have I become a scary person?
Jimmy said that he and the producers have talked about this, but that they didn't know if it was me, or the drugs I take... (this is not out of the question. I suddenly remembered that I had begun my testosterone/steroid shots the previous week, so my emotions could have been out of control).
But that's just an excuse.
So, today I'm am eating crow and swallowing my pride in a big way. I wrote back saying that I was ashamed and embarrassed, and that I just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide.
But instead I'll do what everyone else who humiliates him or herself does. I'll take it as a lesson that "even" I can get too big for my britches, that just because *I* think something is true doesn't make it so, and that in this world there are other people besides Steve Schalchlin.
It won't be easy walking back in there with everyone knowing, but someone very smart once said that we measure our own personal dignity by the way we handle the undignified.
Long Day.
Hello reader, I'm writing this just after midnight on Friday night. I missed greeting people at the theatre tonight because I finally just wore out. We had a long day today. We were auditioning the last of the understudy parts. Then, Gary Bankston, the new Gideon understudy was doing a runthrough with the cast.Saturday-Monday, January 16-18, 1999.I missed the deadline for eating lunch so by the time 5:00 rolled around, I was nearly in a faint. As much as I love being with the cast, it was just too much.
I also finally dawned on me that I have a show coming up in less than two weeks and I've done little or no promotion. But I did invite David Robyn to join me. And Amy Coleman is going to sing a blues number, hopefully with a band. Maisie is coming. Bob Cox is playing guitar.
And then a few days later, I perform the role of Gideon with the L.A. cast. And I am scared out of my mind. I guess it's finally dawning on me that there's a lot of music to learn. I mean, I know how to play my songs but I don't exactly know the show score.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a guy I met in Boston who wants to produce a documentary on yours truly. I think I was bragging about all my fans or something in the dressing room and before ya know it, he was into the idea.
I have a lot of netfans coming in this weekend, too. So, I'm going to go get some sleep.
Charlene Wolff dies.
I don't know how to convey to you the profound sadness I am feeling this morning. My diary reader turned close friend, Charlene Wolff, has died. I found out last last night in a note from one of her friends who said to me, "I don't know you but Char loved you and that's enough for me. She died over the weekend in her home in Boston. Mark [her doting and devoted husband] was with her. She died quickly and peacefully without pain."Tuesday-Wednesday, January 19-20, 1999.I met Char several years ago in a chatroom on the IRC. She was one of the few adults in a group for gay Christian teens. She mothered them all, encouraging them to not give up on life. She provided love to kids who felt unloved and detached from their families.
That was what first drew me to her, how selfless, gentle and kind she was, investing countless hours caring about them. That was back when I was first online. She loved the diary and frequently sent me little love notes if I was having really bad days telling me how much strength it gave her to see me fighting for life.
And then the day came. Barely over a year ago. An email saying that she had just been diagnosed with cancer in her breast bone near her heart along with spots on her liver.
Bravely she began to undergo painful and debilitating chemo. First one wave, then another and then a third. It helped a little, but not enough.
As she underwent these precedures, she generously began emailing to many of her friends a detailed description of her feelings and emotions, telling me that the inspiration came from my diary. (And sometimes I'd get private emails where she talked about being angry or depressed knowing she had full permission from me to say anything she wanted.)
The last time I saw her was in Boston when I sang in Harvard Square. She came to both concerts and held Mark's hand as he/they wept during "Going It Alone." (The two of them had fought this together, taking little trips together -- romantic getaways when possible. Sometimes, when Char was too sick to write, Mark would fill us in on her condition.)
After the last show in Boston, I sat with Char on the little couch just outside the concert room and she fell into my arms. Her body was thin and she said she just needed to cry with someone who she felt understood the Friendly Fire of chemo and doctors and shots and pills and symptoms and cures.
The last note I got indicated that her choices were now down to nothing but there was no spirit of surrender, just a frank and painful admission that she was too weak for more treatments and that there was very little that could be done.
But her death is a shock. It's so weird to one day be full of life and the next day be told that you have cancer. It seems unreal. It feels like an annoyance that will go away if you just do what your doctor says and hang in there.
I didn't contemplate life without Char. I guess I thought if she just stuck with it, she'd eventually be okay. But it wasn't to be. I was, of course, honored that my songs and my diary gave her strength and courage to endure. I just wish they could have stopped her disease.
Char, you made a big difference in a lot of peoples' lives. You gave them and me boundless amounts of love and affection. I am going to miss you terribly.
I already do.
Sailing and Renting.
Today Jimmy went and auditioned for new sitcom. Then he and Dickie and I joined Amy Coleman and Maisey on Charles Nelson Reilly's boat, a small but sturdy little vessel. Before we had even stepped aboard, he was saying, "Do you have your papers??" or "Who is the woman who got on at Lisbon?"Thursday-Friday, January 21-22, 1999.We trolled around the little bay looking at other boats and chasing a dolphin. About dusk, Charles served "Session Stew" and a "Last Session Cake" -- partly because we had just been nominated for Best L.A. Production, the GLAAD Media Awards. And on Monday we accept our six Garland Awards from Backstage West Magazine at the David Geffen Playhouse.
Later that evening, Dickie and I joined Mandy and most of the other Sessionauts to the opening of RENT here in Los Angeles. We sat right in the front few rows. This was my first time to really see Rent up close and what a great work it is. The music is wondeful and I was impressed with how lovingly the characters are treated.
There is a cute pic of Dickie and me at Gail's Rent site: go to www.bennytour.com/tls and hit Los Angeles 98-99 in the toolbar on the left.
Also, I've added my teen friend Katie to the Bonus Round pages. It's a section called "Katie's Letters to Sparky." Sparky is the name she gave me on the TLS maillist. Katie has been battling a debilitating and fatal condition her entire life. But she is a source of inspiration to everyone who knows her.
Ups and Downs and Ups and Downs.
Thursday morning when I woke up it felt like I had a towel over my brain. I just couldn't think. And there was a overwhelming sense of anxiety. When I got into the shower, I just sat down in the tub, but turned on the shower above my head, letting it hit me on the head and shoulders, my head bowed forward letting the water run off onto my crossed legs and feet.TURN ON WATER...Back in Book One, back when I was down to 135 pounds, when I felt like I was falling apart -- this was the one place I could go to find perfect peace. The water would hit me so persistently, it would distract me from the pain and set my mind free to just think.
I'm trying to recognize the signs for when my emotional balance is off -- I get cross or fearful or melancholic. I can see it now, looking back. I don't want to get out of control like I did with the actor a couple of weeks ago. Basically, though, I really do think it has everything to do with the constant stream of toxic pills I take everyday, not to mention the testosterone shots, etc.SOUND OF HOT SHOWER.......Yesterday, Friday, I felt equally "intense" so I just stayed in and practiced on piano all day, memorizing lines and piano parts. (Driving poor Jimmy insane -- "Everywhere I go, The Last Session! Help!!!!!").
So on Thursday, I sat at the bottom of my tub and took a moment to just think, to find some clarity and plan my life for the next few months.
On Monday, we are going to the Geffen Playhouse to receive our Garland Awards from Backstage West/Drama-Logue Magazine. We will we be awarded a total of 6 Garlands. Only one other show tied us for that many. Aunt Michael said we're all going up at the same time. They're gonna let me speak last.HOT WATER HITTING THE BACK OF MY NECK. AHHHH.hehe.
On Wednesday, I'm singing my "Living in the Bonus Round" concert at Highways in Santa Monica. Press releases were sent out but it doesn't look like anyone listed this show. So, I have this dread feeling NO ONE is gonna show up because they don't it's happening.
Not really. James Prideaux the famous playwright is coming. He and a few other literati have been championing our little "engine that could" from the beginning.
(I'm including this shop talk for aspiring writers, by the way. You can go back to the very beginning of this diary and follow our gradual progress. I am hoping to show how publicity in the real world works and what it takes to get it. So far, we've gotten articles in most of the print media but to the TV people we're still invisible. Does that mean we don't exist?)
Then the following Friday we have a "put-in" rehearsal beginning at 3. My first time to rehearse the whole show with the whole cast. My stomach is doing flipflops.
ITEM:STEAM FILLS NOSE AND LUNGS....
Joey Traywick is leaving the cast of The Last Session. He told us God told him it was time to move on and so he's moving on. His last performance is Feb. 14, but...BINKY'S COMING TO L.A.!
Yep, Stephen Bienskie, who created the role of Buddy in New York will be joining the L.A. cast on Feb. 18th. Fresh from his triumphant appearance in Washington DC as the star of "The Fix," now the west coast fans can finally see him for themselves.RELIGION
On the 30th, several of my exgay conservative Christian netfriends are converging here to see TLS. This is the part of the TLS story which I have talked about here, but not in that much detail. (Religion scares everybody.)I devote a good deal of time talking to and debating Randy from Dallas. While I think it's totally insane and theologically unnecessary for someone to want to change their sexuality, who am I to judge anyone else's life choices?
There was good news this past week. It was reported that gay kids -- or kids perceived to be gay -- and their parents are winning court cases against school districts where their child was beaten or abused while the school intentionally turned a blind eye.
(I'm so excited to be singing for PFLAG in Cincinnati at the end of next month. Gay kids need their families around them and PFLAG is a family for many estranged kids.)
(In the shower you get to ramble from subject to subject.)WATER BILL...ENVIRONMENT...Oh, there's a new "Katie's Letters to Sparky" called Surrender: The Big Taboo.
Well, time to get out of the shower. I think I got it straight: Think about what you're doing Wednesday night with the cast and David Robyn and Bob Cox, memorize your lines, get your award, be good in church, get ready for Boston, tell your friends that you love them even though you've been weird for a couple weeks (months?), remember to be thankful for all you have.On Feb. 3rd I will be performing the role of Gideon with the Los Angeles cast in a special benefit performance of THE LAST SESSION. More details to follow!